Mondays session was full as always.  I wonder sometimes if I pack too much in.  The fact that we are now rehearsing the third play, despite the fact that we thought we would be taking it easy for a bit, means that we are still fitting in rehearsal time so experimental time is very limited.

However, once we have done this last story, then the trilogy is complete and only need to be rehearsed briefly before performances.  We will soon be back to the nice lazy experimental physical sessions we used to love so much.

We have a list of performances lined up.  doing all three stories is a pain because we need everyone to be available.  Sometimes we will only do one and that is much easier.

Professionally, with each performance, we will become more polished and make improvements.  As confidence increases I hope that we will become bolder, larger, louder.  The stories are sophisticated, but not really subtle.  Characters are stylised, cartoon like.  Symbolism is very archetypal.

Urashima
I have taken on the role of narrator, through necessity as there is no-one else that knows it well enough/can learn the lines by the beginning of January.

I love this role.  Narrators are such fun to play.  Unfortunately the dual role of narrator/director means that once again I feel too much of a dominant role in the group for my own comfort.  I have a sense of urgency, because of the impending performance that means I feel a need to drive the pace forwards, keep people going.  Part of me longs to get back to the quiet, easy pace of the experimental sessions of old.  The play.  But another part just wants to do plays, this part is now my dominant part.  This part is driven and driving.  It doesn't really care about how people feel about how things are.  It just wants people to be in a particular place at a particular time, doing the thing that it wants in the way it wants it done.  It is happy for people to contribute, but is militant about what contributions are acceptable/unacceptable to fit in with the final vision.

This is not me facilitating, training, enabling.  This is me dominating, leading, creating.  It is a drive that I knew I had, but hadn't previously actually realised.  I used to think that as a therapist I didn't want to be a frustrated practitioner.  Now it's all about the drama.  I could cheerfully hang up my therapist hat and just do drama.  In my way.  In fact, this year, in the 1 year and 1 month since I graduated, that is what I have done.

I've stopped being a therapist and started being a practitioner.  I had a weird experience doing a pre-visualisation relaxation session, when I suddenly felt clumsy.  Like I couldn't do it.  A fraud.  Of course giggling teenagers don't help these moments of confidence loss.

I've been out of the loop.  On the positive side, when I get back into 'doing therapy' (eventually), I will probably find a new therapist hat that fits better.  If I could afford to keep doing supervision I would, because more than anything that would enable me to get back into the therapist role.  But really, Konnektiv group isn't about me being a therapist anyway.  It's about me being a practitioner.  Me absorbing myself into the drama and finding my dramatic self.  If others want to join me on the journey, then great for us all.  If not, I will be a bit lonely.



My own feelings about relaxation sessions I have attended.  Like performances, they can embarrass.  When is a relaxation session embarrassing?  Fear exposure and ridicule.

Things that could affect a relaxation session
1.  Lack of clarity in the facilitator
2.  Lack of conviction in the facilitator
3.  State of mind/emotional state of the group
4.  State of mind/emotional state of individuals within the group.
5.  Relationships between the facilitator and individuals within the group
6.  State of mind/emotional state of the facilitator

There are probably more.

Working with a large group.

I used to know someone who said that working with a large group is exactly the same as working in a small group.  At the time I disagreed with this.  Now I totally disagree.  I need to adapt my group excersises so that when the group is large, they don't go on forever.  I may take a leaf out of the dvt book, because I think part of the problem is the fact that we have to do everything with everyone, if the group is creating, devising, adapting as a group, rather than as a set of individuals, we can maybe use the size better, and also tap into that all important thing 'complicite', also 'co-operation', 'focus' - in group drama the focus needs to be both sharp and broad, as the actor is focussed on their own role and also the role of the group as a whole.  Being and percieving, acting and interacting.  Individual and group.